Dear David...
I’m loosing it agin, but it’s different this time.
It’s not a question about finding a way, or who’s the real me. I know all that, but still I’m talking to you. Dose that mean I’m going crazy? Or should I just accept the fact that you are here, that I need you, to not feel so alone.
I messed up again, I asked you to stay away from me and I ended up making it worse, I broke her trust and she will never forgive me. I know that and I don't even blame her, I was mean cause that was my intention to be. I’m heartless, hurting the people I should care about, so maybe you should have stayed. But then I remember the time you actually where with me, I even talked to you. It was december, two years ago, and I thought everything would be fine. I had you by my side, so what could go wrong? Except for everything. It all went down hill and I still have nightmares over it to this day. Or should I say daydreams, since I never dream at night, maybe it would be easier if I did.
Are you still there?
I heard you that night two years ago, for the last time. Its quite sad, cause I liked the conversations we use to have, but I can still see you ever now and then, so I guess I have to live with that, right?
No one will ever know, cause I never tell, ask or even care. We are more alike then I thought. Not like Kim, nothing like Kim. You have been trying to tell me this forever, since I saw you the first time when I was eleven. I know why I met you, why you became a part of my life - To fill the hole that been made of the loss, of that person. That last birthday and then nothing became the same. When she passed you arrived, so that I wouldn't fall apart. You never forced me to anything, everything was on my turms, always. But, you always agreed, even when my dissections where bad. Something I had to pay for, but if you’d told me, maybe I wouldn’t. You became my best friend, the only one I could talk to, who understood. But once again, you never changed me. You told me what I wanted to hear, what I needed to hear.
Still, am I standing here, ten years later, silent, afraid to let people in, to get hurt and wishing for places I’ll never be. I have moved on, letting go and found new people in my life. But I’m realising now, after ten years of mizzery, I haven’t said goodbye.
I can’t get her back, I can't change the past and I cant take her place. I need to realise the fact that I’m still here on this planet, alive. It was too soon and bad luck, but nothing I or my eleven year old self can change. I need to go there this year, I need to light a candle, buy a flower or what else you are suppose to do at a graveyard. I just need to say goodbye.